Thursday, September 20

I'm fine. Or not.

I never know what to share about these kinds of things, but I was talking about this with my yuppie lawyer sister and she said, “Write a blog post about this. I want to read it.” So here we go.
As I wrote about back in January, I’ve been taking shots. Back then I honestly thought that this would be over by now – that by July I would be on to just taking a pill a day. But see my doctor has been really good at ruling out causes for my blood clotting issue, but he still, 9 months and a bunch of tests later, has no idea why this is happening. The reigning theory is that all the chemo and radiation I’ve had possibly changed the make-up of my blood. As my doctor so eloquently puts it, “It could be your blood is just different now, but I don’t really know.”

I respect the fact that he has the guts to actually say he does not know. I’ve talked to a lot of doctors when they just don’t know how to scientifically explain why my body is acting the way it is. A lot of them like to use really big words to describe what is happening. Leaving it me to say “but you don’t know why" for them.
The problem I’m having is that this why – whatever it is – isn’t going away. We did an experiment last week wherein I didn’t take the shots and they tested my blood to see if it’s still clotting. It is. So the answer? I’m still taking the shots. They will test it again in 3 months.  

I’m just not really enthusiastic about that plan. It actually kind of blows my mind. I guess I’ve been hearing this idea that this is a change in the way my blood acts and in the back of my mind I’ve been imagining that these shots were reversing that change. This is just kind of reminder that actually we aren’t curing anything; we are just putting a band-aid on it.

Also I think it bugs me that I tell people that my body is doing this quite possible life threatening thing and then they look at me and I look perfectly normal. So their question is, “but you’re fine now right?” Which is true. I’m okay right now. I’m probably not going to die from this as long as I take these shots. But it feels like I’m sitting here with a tourniquet on a gaping wound and while I’m not bleeding to death RIGHT NOW… I’m not FINE either. Or maybe I am fine and I’m just too paranoid to see that. But which is it?

*Just as a side note before you ask, I am going to get a second opinion. But ug.. .what a pain the butt that's going to be... 


The Bug said...

Now I feel bad for whining about giving blood today. I won't lie - that just sounds like a total pain in the patootie & I don't know why after hearing your story people would say, "but you're ok now right?" I mean, I wouldn't say that to a diabetic who had to get shots all the time.

I hope your second opinion helps. And if not, I hope that your body decides to give up on the clotting already.

I'll add you to my prayer list!

Katy said...

I don't blame you Bug. I hate giving blood too. There's just no good way to go about that.

You're an awesome person for doing it anyway.

Thank you for your prayers!

Single and Sane said...

I can't begin to imagine how frustrating this must be for you. It makes me think of the thorn in Paul's flesh. I pray that the second opinion helps and that God will remove your thorn.